Q: "I am in an extremely complicated semi relationship where we have been having sex for over two years. It’s mostly been great. Well, the sex is great, it's what happens after that’s the issue. I find sometimes the 'aftercare' is lacking, and I have tried explaining that aftercare isn't just for intense, crazy sex but for all kinds. I know that I need reassurance, physical touch and just genuine human connection after having sex, while he seems fine to either pick up his phone or race out the door claiming he is ‘late for work’. While I know sometimes it’s true, it leaves me feeling gross and used. He is so considerate in all ways around sex, except for this one bit. How do I communicate my needs to him in a way he will understand?"

So often after sex, we might roll off our partner, check our phone, get up and race on with our day. Aftercare is the essential moment before that happens.

It doesn’t have to mean lovingly gazing into their eyes gushing over how obsessed you are. That may not suit everyone. It also doesn’t need to be an hour – it could be just a few moments – but it’s an important moment of integration that allows you to connect and check in afterwards. It reminds us that we’re human beings who just shared something.

I wonder if, given you’ve described your situation as ‘an extremely complicated semi relationship,’ whether you feel less entitled to communicating your need for aftercare because you're not in a longer term relationship? First, focus on solidifying your own understanding of aftercare - it is essential for all sex, casual or long term. We all need it. You are not too needy or emotional for wanting better care after sex.